I saw a friend’s post asking us to describe 2013 in one word, mine was – Thank God-
I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs this year. Some days I have enjoyed extreme success and glory, others struggled to suffer the deepest pain…
What’s, even more, ironic is that looking back right now can bring hard times with a big smile and happy times with a sad moan … You can never tell how things are going to end up.
We blame life and we say it’s complicated, unpredictable, unfair … While it’s just how life goes on. You cannot control everything around you, you will become a psycho if you think so. I don’t take it negatively doubting our capability or power. I believe we will be missing so much fun without all the surprising or choking shit we are dealing with every day. We will lose the benefit of our destiny.
It reminds me of the Bruce Almighty movie. A great demonstration that even been God is not an easy job. In the movie, Bruce complains about God too often. So, God gave him almighty powers to teach him how difficult it is to run the world.
Going through the daily process can be very distractive. So, no matter how hard the situation may seem or how desperately long is the road, make sure you remind yourself that: it is just the first part of your life and you still can decide for the rest.
The secret of living, according to me, is that we don’t realize we can have as many lives as we aim too. It’s up to you to decide whether a new day should be the beginning of a very new life or not. We stuck to rules we have set, and the barriers we have created. Obviously, we or our ancestors did it for a good reason. But, we forgot that it’s meant to be for certain situations only and we generalize them and build our whole life on a moving basis. Most of the time, it turns out to be a heavy burden to carry on for the rest of your life and it paralyzes you.
In order to grow up healthier, I always set goals.
One of mine last year was dealing with my expectations toward people, how I did it? is through understanding.
I used to have high expectations of people. I used to believe that people will treat me the same way I treat them or behave according to my values. As I was very convinced that we all have the same universal values. And I forgot that personal backgrounds and priorities affect someone else behavior too. Even the same object can be seen totally different if we are looking from an opposite perception.
How did I do it?
I get familiarized with the habit to put myself in the other person’s shoes before making any judgment. It’s very important to be really open to embracing the other person’s ability and options in that situation. Not only in a reasonable way because it’s represented by your own values and logic and they are definitely different. Also, try to consider his point of view emotionally, referring to his past and desires and not yours. Maybe going to watch a Disney movie is not a big deal for you, but it is for a child. The emotional or mental gap between an adult and a child can be the same or even bigger between two having the same age. Because we have different priorities, our decisions are different. Because we have been through different experiences, our perceptions are different too.
Putting yourself in the other person ‘shoes and stop being judgmental is my way of giving.
If you can adapt yourself to a state of mind where you say, that this confusing situation here can be an opportunity to explore new aspects of belonging and responding, you have already walked half the way. When you begin your dialog from there, you are actually developing an immediate connection that stems beyond futile talks and encourages honesty.
When I am in a provoking or confusing situation, the first thing I do is listen carefully, live absolutely that moment. Whether the person is in front of me or someone is telling me the story, I follow the same process for a better understanding.
You should really listen to the person without any judgment. So you can capture the words he is using the most, and ask him the right questions. In many conversations, we heard often words like “always, never” … ask when exactly? How had many times? Having a clear answer is important because it tells you if he is exaggerating or you’ve been careless.
While expressing their feeling, people tend to use many assumptions, incomplete sentences, propositions like this, that, it’s very helpful to ask what does he exactly mean? what makes him feel this way? what can make a difference for him?
Some people just stay quiet or give you short answers. Ask open questions. So they have the choice to start where they feel more comfortable. Why do you think that? Where is the link between? what does it mean to you? Sometimes, you will be amazed how far can be your hypothesis from what they are actually thinking or assuming.
An act of understanding creates miracles in relationships. Great relationships create miracles in your life.
Most people, in order to protect themselves, have a psychological block toward this habit. I think it’s due to confusion between understanding and acceptance. In other words, the fear to be influenced. This only happens when you go beyond the limits.
That’s why it’s very important to make it clear from the beginning especially for yourself: The fact that you put yourself in the other person’s shoes and explore his world doesn’t mean you commit to accept absolutely his perception or follow it.
Although in some cases, it can bring a compromise. But this is not the purpose. Understanding the other is an act of mutual respect; a sort of admission that he exists and that you consider his point of view. The compromise can be the result of creating a bigger vision or noticing a common beneficial space. However, whether you are willing to cope with or re-evaluate your perception, it’s up to you.
Remind yourself that you are free of commitment. It may affect your position and interests if you get over-involved emotionally with the other person’s perception. And instead of putting yourself in his shoes, you start wearing his shoes permanently. You risk stopping been you. This is not a healthy relationship because you are giving too much.
One day, you may end up losing yourself. And If you are dealing with emotional abusers or manipulators, you will find yourself mingling in between acts of generosity and passive-aggressive behavior. It is dangerous. And it will become a self-consuming process that you may even not be aware of, as it is much harder to spot.
Consider the understanding approach as an entertaining game. It’s like you are changing the chair you are sitting in until you find the right one. In the end, it’s your choice which one is the most comfortable, nobody can decide that for you and nobody is going to pay the price. So make sure you don’t let the buyer fool you.
When really understand others, you stop expecting them to be perfect or your shadow. So you can like them for who they are. And this is the best gift you can ever offer to someone. It Also makes your life easier, as the more you keep your expectations lower the less you will be disappointed.